You never forget the moment you realize you’re not on the same level as the guy you’ve been dating. I’m not talking about being on the same level monetarily, but rather when it comes to your general desires and mentalities. I’m talking about dreams and futures. I’m talking about dating a guy who is happy with a part time job at the corner store when you have plans to take over the world. Do you see this often? Has this been you?

I can’t help but wonder why we women settle for relationships like this. How many women are stagnant in relationships, suffering through marriages, taking care of husbands, and rearing their children while their dreams die a slow, painful death? Quite a few by my count. Why do these women bind themselves to men who hold such vastly different visions for their lives? It would be easy to judge their decisions, but I have had brushes with this phenomenon in my own life. However, in my situation, I had an annoyed brother who eventually set me straight.

You see, I have extensive experience in a certain area that little sisters dream about and parents fight hard to prevent—crushes on the friends of the big brother. The friends of the big brother are a girls’ first introduction to men in their age group being welcomed into their family dynamic—much like the girls’ future boyfriends/husbands will be. This cultivates a dangerous breeding ground for obsessive levels of daydreaming and teenage angst, which I fell into with unbelievable ease. These “brother friends” bounce around the girls’ home, being charming to her mother, talking sports to her father, and flashing her a smile while they make themselves at home on the living room couch. It’s a recipe for heartbreak, romance, disaster, and sometimes even success. I lived it, and I lived it well.

When I was about 13 and my brother was 14, he had a friend who we will call Eric. Eric was and always will be my quintessential brother’s friend crush. I may have been lacking when it came to common sense, but I had good taste in the looks department—he was the most adorable young man. His smile gleamed every time he graced me with a grin, and he had so much charisma he could sell it by the bucket and still have some left over for himself. He was not my first brother’s friend crush, and he certainly wasn’t the last, but he consumed my thoughts for the bulk of my early teenage years. I woke up for him each day, and flashes of his handsome face lulled me to sleep each night. Luckily for me, he was a mainstay at my house for a period of time—he and my brother were in the midst of a quite concerning addiction to PlayStation, and sometimes I would sit and watch them play while I planned Eric’s and my wedding in my head.

And when Eric would interact with me, I would execute my sad, 8th grade attempt at flirting. The “flirting” revolved around me asking banal questions that I already knew the answer to. You see, I was quite the nerdy young woman. This was a trait that helped me breeze through my Advanced Placement classes with little to no effort. I finished off books faster than my parents could keep up getting new ones to me, so I mowed through all of the books in the house in the meantime. I was like a reading lawnmower. However, in my pathetic juvenile mind, this trait was preventing me from attracting guys. To be honest, I wasn’t wrong. It’s not like the cute guys on the step team were checking for the nerdy girl who squealed with delight when her chamber choir decided to sing her favorite Gregorian chant. So I actively hid that part of myself to be more attractive to Eric. I played so clueless in front of him that to this day I maintain that I might have lost a few real brain cells. I asked him how to play the game that I watched them play day in and day out for weeks. I acted like I needed help figuring out how anything worked—cars, computers, TVs, etc. I laughed at the simplest of his statements and agreed with all of his opinions. Eric was a smart guy, so it was not like it would have been necessary to dumb myself down to communicate with him. So why was I doing it?

I think I did it for the same reason women make themselves smaller to be with men in general. Women have a sort of tendency to mold themselves to fit a certain situation. It’s a wonderful coping mechanism when needed, but it tends to trip us up when we’re in situations where it’s not necessary, i.e., dating. And it takes on larger consequences when we get older. Sure, it’s silly to hide your geekiness as a 13-year old, but there are higher stakes when you’re a grown woman and straining to break free from a person who is holding you back from a higher calling.

But how did I “break free”? After all, I was to the point of nearly asking Eric to help me tie my shoes. I was on track to eventually wear him down over time with my girlish naiveté. The problem with my strategy was, there was a 3rd party who knew my capabilities, and he was not on board. Basically, I was irritating my brother to no end. He saw right through the act, and after weeks of my performance, he just couldn’t take it anymore. I remember the day he decided to read me in seven words. Not long after Eric left to go home, he asked me a simple yet resonating question– “Why are you acting like you’re dumb?” In his 14-year-old language, he left an impression on me that lasted. I don’t even remember my answer at the time—I’m sure it was along the lines of “Shut up!”—but my answer wasn’t important. The question was.

Unfortunately, male attention beat out all sensibility, and I continued the act well into my 20s with the men I encountered. But it developed from just simple cluelessness into a pattern that was much more dangerous. I minimized my knowledge, then my intelligence, then my goals, then my dreams. All to fit myself into a box to please the few men I dated. The turning point came when I broke up with a man that I had bent over backwards to please. We hung up the phone, and I immediately burst into tears. It was a spontaneous reaction. But then, while I was in the midst of crying, I realized something—I was forcing myself to cry over this man. I was reaching for tears that weren’t there. My future with him would have looked nothing like how I wanted my future to be. I would have been in a city I didn’t like, with kids I didn’t want, and a husband who didn’t stimulate me.  The reality was that I stunted my own growth just to be with a guy who was decent, but who could never fulfill me. Now that was worth some tears. So after that realization, I let myself cry for the parts of me I had suppressed for years. I cried for the time I lost and the energy I exerted trying to be this man’s woman. And the words of my brother, the words that never left me, popped back into my head. “Why are you acting like you’re dumb?” Or now, as the issue evolved with me into adulthood, “Why are you playing small?”

As many women do, I still struggle with “playing small”. However, a good way to change is to start choosing better. As a friend once told me, “You don’t have to like every man who likes you!!” As the fat nerdy girl growing up, this concept was difficult to grasp. Only a few men liked me, so I had to like them back, right?

Luckily, the answer is “no.” Like a lot of things in life, the energy of attraction is circular. You attract people based on what you exert, and if you are exerting timidity, smallness, and lack of confidence, you will attract a man who desires a woman like that to fit his mold. It is imperative that you stop the cycle and decide not to accept anything less than the best for your life. Once your mind is made up, it becomes so easy reject those people who don’t line up with your vision. You’re in control. You do the choosing.

Shout out to my big brother. He’s always looking out for me, even when it’s on accident. It’s a beautiful thing. And ladies, remember to choose wisely and protect your magnificent dreams. Your life depends on it.