The first time I read The Color Purple by Alice Walker, I cried over Sofia’s story. For Celie, whose harrowing story is clearly the book’s focal point, I simply could not gather as much emotion. I commiserate with Sofia the most regarding her thick girl status. It just seemed that the people around her—especially the other women—reacted poorly to her general bad bitch aura. She had Harpo wrapped around her finger, but Celie and Squeak each launched microaggressions against her in order to attack her confidence. Some would say Celie sabotaged the relationship without knowing it because she was ignorant of what love from a man truly looked like. That could be true. Some would say Squeak was simply taking advantage of Sofia being gone, and that she reacted to a threat on her relationship once Sofia reappeared. That’s probably true, too. But the beauty of art is that you take it in and process it using the filter that is your experiences and your perspective. And my perspective is– those bitches were hating.

You see, people are funny. We all have insecurities and hang-ups that we allow to plague our lives and affect the way we treat others. Just like Celie and Squeak’s attempted sabotage of Sofia’s happiness, I have felt the same types of attacks against my love life that were based on me being curvylicious. And in all of those cases, those attacks have been launched by my thin friends.

So what I am calling out is that in my experience as a plus-size woman, I have experienced many microaggressions from my straight-sized sisters, particularly when it comes to dating. And the only reasoning I can come up with for this phenomenon is that thinner women are possibly taken aback, threatened by, or possibly even confused by my ability to attract men. I can’t even begin to analyze why this sentiment exists. Maybe it’s because by thriving and living well as a plus-sized woman, I have subconsciously launched an assault on a concept they have built their lives upon. Maybe it’s a dig to their egos….after all, if a thick girl can get more play than them, maybe they aren’t as cute as they thought? But there is a flaw in that thought process. Just because a woman is plus-sized, doesn’t mean she is any less attractive than anyone else. There cannot be any “attractiveness points” deducted off the top just because someone is curvy. Attractiveness is a matter of perception, right? So why place your self-worth on a concept that is subjective?

I am not saying that curvy women are more attractive than thin women. I am also not saying that curvy women get more attention than thin women. I just want to bring light to a dynamic that has been played out time and time again throughout my life. And I realize that by writing this, I risk sounding like a complete narcissist. Which if you know me, you know the last thing I ever do is tout my looks or beauty. I am a firm believer that you let other people tout about you and to shut up with all the self-serving talk. But in the interest of giving this concept some light and hopefully finding some common ground with my curvy sisters, I will proceed. **Cringing** Let the touting commence…

I’m cute, ok? Always have been. OK, not always. But I’ve had a good run for the past 5-7 years. I finally found what worked for me in the hair, makeup, and clothing departments. Which means, you too can be cute. It just takes trial and error. But that is a discussion for another time. What I’m saying is, people find my chubby ass attractive.  And that fact has shaken some of the thin women I know to the core. Not all of them, though—me being on baddie status couldn’t be more exciting for most of my straight-sized girlfriends. But I have compiled a list of microaggressions that have been relayed to me over the years by those who were a little less enthusiastic. Just because some were funny, some were sad, and some made me feel sorry for the person who was insecure enough to say it.

 

“You’re really pretty for a big girl. You keep yourself up.”  I’m glad you noticed. So did your man.

“So we both got a lot of attention tonight. Those three guys were interested in me, and you had two guys interested in you” Honey I don’t know where you went to school, but where I went, we learned to count. And I got four numbers. And why are you keeping count anyway? To be honest, I did not save any of those numbers. A sistah ain’t pressed.

“Aw, how cute!! Kristen got a guy!!!” Yes, girl. I got a guy. The only reason I don’t always have a guy (like you do) is that I’m choosing. And if it was up to your man, I would be choosing him.

“Light-skinned girls be getting extra points” This was said to my face. I am a fair-complexioned black woman. So….whatchu mean, boo? I’m only pulling because I have a fair complexion? Trust me on this—you’d be pulling too if you didn’t have the thirst of a thousand desserts. Tell me again about how you need a man?

“Since I lost weight, I’ve gotten so much more attention” That’s cute for you girl. I’ve never been skinny by any stretch, but I’ve been smaller and bigger than I am now. I received the same amount of attention at each weight. This probably says more about your security at each stage than how attractive you are.

 

I realize that on surface level, some of these microaggressions don’t seem weight- related. But oh, they are. Here’s the thing about microaggressions—the insult or slight is based upon a person’s marginalized status, but it does not have to be a direct reference to what makes that person marginalized. So it seems, by any means necessary, my aggressors felt the need to throw a jab in there to assert that they are better. Or made a sad attempt to take me down a peg if I get attention. Or, they tried to belittle my relationships or attractiveness by saying “Aw, how cute. Someone found her attractive despite her physical appearance.”

Keep in mind—I don’t ever make a big deal about the attention I might get because I don’t care. To be honest, I have bigger things to think about. In my circles, I’m actually known as the person who hardly ever has a boyfriend. So it makes the attempts to minimize my attractiveness seem even more desperate.

But let me tell say this—these women say these things because they are insecure. I came to realize a long time ago that as long as I am treating my body right, working toward mental clarity, exercising regularly, and feeding myself the good, whole, clean, food that I deserve, I am doing what I need to do. I have been able to move past this commentary and not allow it to affect me when it is spewed toward me.

No matter where you are in the struggle, do not internalize what anyone else says about you. It doesn’t matter if you are healthy and happy at a size 16 or working toward another goal. The attractiveness comes from the inside, and it reflects on the outside. And no matter what TV or social media or other people might tell you, if you have that confidence that radiates from the inside out, you will attract other people. It is a law of nature. You will be admired. You will have a glow.

I have a lot of plus-sized friends too. And I can’t get enough of going out with them. To be honest, when we go out, we get more attention. And we aren’t even trying! We’re just out having fun. And we meet so many people because we’re laughing and dancing and enjoying each other and ordering that extra round of drinks. But here’s the thing—if you go out into the world feeling good and looking good and wearing a dress that hits all those curves in all the right places, you’ll have to beat those guys off. I guarantee you that each one of us is beautiful and has the capacity to attract all of the good things in life.

As for those who seek to belittle who you are and what you can accomplish, there isn’t much to say to them. Until they find their own peace, they will continue to make attempts to wear us down. However, just like Sofia, we may have to fight. Not physically, of course, but we’ll have to fight the burdens that other people try to place on us. We’ll have to fight the negative words that may be spewed in our direction. We’ll have to fight the ignorance that births preconceived notions about how we are accepted in the world. If we have to fight for peace, so be it.

In the end, Sofia went through unthinkable trauma, but she came out on the other side with her peace. To this day, I still get these microaggressions hurled at me from time to time. Whatever action I decide to take to fight the ignorance, I am confident in myself and know my worth enough to recognize each slight for what it is. That is my peace. Hopefully our thinner sisters can begin to recognize and halt the microaggressions before they are even launched at us. Maybe that is a pipe dream. But until then, I’ll keep fighting.

Confidence despite all else. Isn’t that beautiful?